The Land Of Gary, W V    Long ago and far away,    In a land that time forgot,    Before the days of Dylan    Or the dawn of Camelot.      There lived a race of innocents,    And they were you and me,    Long ago and far away    In the Land of Gary, W V.      Oh, there was truth and goodness    In that land where we were born,    Where navels were for oranges,    And Peyton Place was porn.      For Ike was in the White House,    And Hoss was on T V,    And God was in His heaven    In the Land of Gary, W V.      We learned to gut a muffler,    We washed our hair at dawn,    We spread our crinolines to dry    In circles on the lawn.      And they could hear us coming    All the way to Tennessee,    All starched and sprayed and rumbling    In the Land of Gary, W V.      We longed for love and romance,    And waited for the prince,    And Eddie Fisher married Liz,    And no one's seen him since.      We danced to "Little Darlin'",    And Sang to "Stagger Lee"    And cried for Buddy Holly    In the Land of Gary, W V.      Only girls wore earrings then,    And three was one to many,    And only boys wore flat-top cuts,    Except for Jean McKinney.      And only in our wildest dreams    Did we expect to see    A boy named George with Lipstick    In the Land of Gary, W V.      We fell for Frankie Avalon,    Annette was oh, so nice,    And when they made a movie,    They never made it twice.      We didn't have a Star Trek Five,    Or Psycho Two and Three,    Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty    In the Land of Gary, W V.      Miss Kitty had a heart of gold,    And Chester had a limp,    And Reagan was a Democrat    Whose co-star was a chimp.      We had a Mr. Wizard,    But not a Mr. T,    And Oprah couldn't talk yet    In the Land of Gary, W V.      We had our share of heroes,    We never thought they'd go,    At least not Bobby Darin,    Or Marilyn Monroe.      For youth was still eternal,    And life was yet to be,    And Elvis was forever,    In the Land of Gary, W V.      We'd never seen the rock band    That was Grateful to be Dead,    And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson,    And Zeppelins weren't Led.      And Beatles lived in gardens then,    And Monkees in a tree,    Madonna was a virgin    In the Land of Gary, W V.      We'd never heard of Microwaves,    Or telephones in cars,    And babies might be bottle-fed,    But they weren't grown in jars.      And pumping iron got wrinkles out,    And "gay" meant fancy-free,    And dorms were never coed    In the Land of Gary, W V.      We hadn't seen enough of jets    To talk about the lag,    And microchips were what was left at    The bottom of the bag.      And Hardware was a box of nails,    And bytes came from a flea,    And rocket ships were fiction    In the Land of Gary, W V.      Buicks came with portholes,    And side show came with freaks,    And bathing suits came big enough    To cover both your cheeks.      And Coke came just in bottles,    And skirts came to the knee,    And Castro came to power    In the Land of Gary, W V.      We had no Crest with Fluoride,    We had no Hill Street Blues,    We all wore superstructure bras    Designed by Howard Hughes.      We had no patterned pantyhose    Or Lipton herbal tea    Or prime-time ads for condoms    In the Land of Gary, W V.      There were no golden arches,    No Perrier's to chill,    And fish were not called Wanda,    And cats were not called Bill.      And middle-aged was thirty-five    And old was forty-three,    And ancient were our parents    In the Land of Gary, W V.      But all things have a season,    Or so we've heard them say,    And now instead of Maybelline    We swear by Retin-A.      And they send us invitations    To join AARP,    We've come a long way, baby,    From the Land of Gary, W V.      So now we face a brave new world    In slightly larger jeans,    And wonder why they're using    Smaller print in magazines.      And we tell our children's children    of the way it used to be,    Long ago and far away    In the Land of Gary, W V.